Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Randomize
