I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
