Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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