When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
