We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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