did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
