it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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