2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
