At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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