i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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