How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
