you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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