Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
