Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
