I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
