I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
