your parents love me but you hate me
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
