My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
this is an emotional support booty call
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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