Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
