can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
