she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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