a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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