it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I'm really busy with my period
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