They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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