Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
