If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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