He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
