I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
