I need to stop coming to work sober
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
