Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Randomize
