I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
