i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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