cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
