Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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