Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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