he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
