i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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