I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
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