Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
