bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
