Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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