I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
