I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
