Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
