Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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