if only i could text you this smell
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You have to summon your inner elephant
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
