you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
