i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Sext me about skeletons
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
