I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
