When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize