In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize