there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize
