just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
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