your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
